Blogging for the sake of blogging
Hating Singapore since '04
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The one where I sound desperate
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I wonder when I'll finally be able to walk home alone without having to notice the emptiness of my heart. School restarted and has been able to carry me throughout the day in a positive mood. I'm not anymore different than I was before, still talking and joking and mentally tormenting classmates. But the moment we say our dry goodbyes of "dudehood" and part ways, there is no longer anyone left to put a show on for. In the past, some 2 years ago, if I walked home alone, I bear no smile. Not because I was upset or depressed, but because there was nothing to smile for. Trivial thoughts just flew through my mind, circling a few rounds before exiting via my ear. And then came a small period of sunshine. Life was worth living, worth waking up for and not because the Law told you too, but because you want to. Lonely walks home are joyful, a small hint of a smile was stuck on face as I skipped home humming tunes of The Corrs and Michael Buble and others. Now. Now I go home quietly. No skip in my step, no happy tune. It was just as dull as I used to be. But there is a difference. Trivial thoughts no longer fly through my head. Sad thoughts do. I sound whiny and pathetic, ranting about how unfortunate I am when I know somewhere in Africa a child is starving or somewhere in Malaysia, a Malaysian has an epiphany that he is indeed a Malaysian and starts crying. But I am sad. It has been 15 days since any known contact from you. Today you posted a song. I know we have this agreement here, but all I wanted to do all day is to reach for the phone and dial your number and ask you: "How was your day?". But I resist with much difficulty. I am trying my very best to give you want you want, space, time, thought. But I really really wish, want, hope, pray, to the bottom of my heart, to every fiber of my body, to every ounce of spirituality I possess, that you would just send me some sort of contact. A smiley message, a promised letter, a simple teeny mention on post, logging on MSN and not putting your status as "Appear Offline", even a poke on facebook. I sound desperate. I must be. I want to use my facebook account. I miss you.
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